The Collapsible Pill Cup

In a world that runs crazily 24/7 with noise and activity - even during resting or sleeping hours my head is often full of whirling busy thoughts and plans. I'm ever so thankful for the time spent in our Church's worship service, where the singing and, even the quiet instrumental music, stops so we can be silent before GOD, just to LISTEN for HIS still small voice. I find this practice, in my own private life with JESUS, invaluable - I couldn't survive, steadily, without it.

Recently I've been reminded of this, after spending a week of active vacation with my family, followed by a week of sickness - trying to get better on the run, for I really didn't have time for infirmity. What I also failed to make time for during my two week buzz, was quiet solitude with JESUS. The deficit I felt near the end of this spinning but empty stint, gave way to depressive and anxious thoughts. I'll end this little reminder by just saying that prayer and worship with a friend, and returning to a scheduled time of seeking the LORD in silence turned me around again to steadfast thinking and living.

Back to SILENT LISTENING time in Church...

Yesterday, God put in my mind an image of one of those plastic collapsible pill cups that ladies keep in their purse, sometimes with their days of the week pill cases, so as to take meds conveniently in the middle of the day. Just screw the cap off, twist the cup to its 3 inch height, fill it at the nearest drinking fountain - and your good. When I saw this simple image, I knew the cup represented our "reception" of God's SPIRIT in us, but didn't feel a strongly compelled to share it with the congregation, when the ministry time turned a different direction, I sat on it, then forgot about it. But as I've often found, when GOD wants to teach something, HE"ll bring thoughts back again - with flesh on. This morning as I worshiped, meditated on scripture and listened for HIS VOICE, the plastic cup image returned; this time it seemed to be filled with interpretation and I knew it was for the whole body.

In our spirits, too, there is a receptive "vessel," if you will, into which we may receive living water of GOD's HOLY SPIRIT. This living water, flowing from our bellies and welling up....," (John 7:38) is always available , every moment of a believer's life. BUT, our 'vessels' leak. "We leak," John Wimber, leader of the Vineyard movement for many years, was often quoted as saying. Because of this, we are commanded, instead of being "drunk on wine," "...to be filled.." - continually filled is the connotation of this exhortation - "...with the HOLY SPIRIT." (Eph. 5) Apparently, this condition of being "filled" is a tangible intoxication which effects our thoughts words and actions - like an alcoholic stupor would effect us in a noticeable way.

Many believers, I felt GOD speaking to me, carry their collapsible cups, packed neatly away, only to take them out at church or at shaky times - when a spiritual 'pill' is needed. We sip politely of the SPIRIT, while the HOLY SPIRIT is meant to be POURED OUT in buckets and waterfalls, and bubble up in streams. We should trade in our little plastic cups for wide-mouthed vats carried up on our heads, like those of Indian women returning to the river to draw water. And the drawing must be daily, as a people who live in a dry and weary land, where precipitation is scarce, are compelled to do. If we recognize our need for this HOLY SPIRIT intoxication, may we hear JESUS say to us, as HE invited the woman at the well, "...whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.." (John 4:13b)

Throughout my busy day I like to turn my palms up and open, and ask, "LORD fill me," and WAIT. My husband wrote a song, with part of the chorus, "...we will drink, if YOU will serve.." Good news!.., JESUS is WILLING to serve us a drink, every time we drain our vat. So, lets discard our collapsible cups, Church, stand beneath the waterfall, and drink deep.

Never Say "Never"

"Well..., by process of elimination,"Beth Ann's List of Gifts and Life Purposes" narrowed significantly by one, this week: I was NOT cut out for musical theater. I'm drawn to it, yes, and my three theatrical daughters perform beautifully and continue to grow in this area. But mom will remain in the wings and in the audience, cheering them on and painting their scenes and sets. " - me, middle of august

I wanted to post this to my blog, funny and ironic as it reads back to me now. I recorded these cynical sentiments immediately following my mortifying audition with Riverwalk Theatre.

Since this entry - I have enjoyed a memorable season of ANNIE, performing in the chorus and loving every terrifying minute. I've also participated in the shooting of a short movie - a docu-drama, in which I was pushed beyond my limits of comfort and self-consciousness. Never-the-less, this "non-musical theater" gal will appear, ACTING in a film.

You've heard the old excuse "my dog ate my homework." Well, ANNIE and movie-stardom ate my August and September; here it is the end of October, and I'm, hopefully, back to blogging about the multitude of ways GOD communicates with those HE loves.

Thanks for reading! - love, beth ann

learning to deam - dreaming to learn

When teaching a class on HEARING GOD's VOICE, as I've been doing for 20 weeks now, one becomes ultra attentive to surroundings, thoughts, sensations, atmospheric pressure - O.K. I'm exaggerating a bit. But tuning into details is a good habit to adopt when trying to communicate with a being who doesn't limit HIMSELF to our five natural senses. Dreams are sometimes a good place to begin, because when asleep, minds seem generally less inundated with the business of the day, less analytical, and perhaps more available for spiritual input.

About 6 weeks ago, I awoke with an unsettled feeling, and a vivid picture of myself laying in front of a large machine of sorts, helpless and exposed to radiation. Later that morning I found that, due to the disastrous hurricane in Japan, nuclear reactors had left thousands of people unable to escape dangerous levels of chemical contamination in their own backyards. As I interceded for the Japanese people, with a friend, GOD filled me with HIS compassion. I considered the dream to be FROM HIM, and received the passionate empathy as a motivation to pray often for GOD's children across the globe.

However, all in the same week, a mole, which has decorated my right cheek from childhood, began to act up with pain and unusual growth. Not without a degree of foreboding, I saw a dermatologist, who "didn't like the look of it," and proceeded with removal. Of course, without biopsy or pathology reports, the doctor could not tell me what was going on; the waiting in these kind of situations seems interminable. I began to wonder if my DREAM about radiation exposure was a more personal "preparation." ??

I tried my best to wait and trust GOD for peace of mind, but often my flesh, with all it's anxious "what ifs?" got the best of me. One sleepless night I tossed and turned with worry. I asked myself, and GOD, questions like "what if I have cancer and don't get to see my children's children? or even their weddings? What if cancer metastasizes in my face, (like a good friend - who's funeral I attended last year) - and I have to die a painful ugly death in front of by dear family? I prayed for peace and for my kids and for many other people throughout the night, growing frustrated that sleep eluded me - as did GOD's peace. Near dawn I asked GOD to give me a vision to help me. This is the second time I had specifically asked for a vision, and I'm not sure WHY I did. But when I closed my eyes, sure enough - a vivid picture played before my mind's eye.

I saw a line of winged "soldiers" up on a cliff; they dove down in formation, like the flying monkeys from the wizard of Oz - intent on their mission. As the ANGELS (as they seemed to me) swooped down, behind that line was another 100 or so, and another behind them. Line after line of warriors flying to their battle. My first thought was "cancer" as I asked the LORD who or what are they attacking?? HIS answer came immediately to my thoughts, "They are coming after FEAR."

That was it - but the encounter left me with a profound sense of peace.. and I finally slept. Later that morning, while cleaning a part of my closet, I came upon the program from my friend's funeral - almost as if it were a test to my emotional and spiritual state. Song lyrics adorned the front: "Surely it is GOD who saves me, I will trust in him and not be afraid, for the LORD is my stronghold and my sure defense, and HE shall be my savior." I WASN'T afraid, not then and not for a moment again for the next 4 weeks, at which time I received wonderful news that mine was a benign mole with a ruptured cyst underneath it.

Throughout my weeks of waiting I received many prayers for healing and I felt some sensations, which leave me to believe, surely GOD was at work doing something in my cheek. Until my Face to Face w/ JESUS time, I won't know for sure all that happened, nor the exact purpose of my dream. However, this I know, without doubt's shadow, GOD is pleased when I seek recipricol friendship and communication with HIM. HE calls me to remain attentive, obedient and humble in my interactions with HIM, and in sharing my experiences with you all. If all of life isn't a fun experiment in learning to LOVE and relate to GOD and His other kids, maybe it's all just a dream.

Thanks for reading!

Swimming by the SPIRIT- ?

We kept a junk room in the basement; This is an understatement. A small path,- through knee- high piles of art supplies, books, boxes of elementary, high school and college keepsakes, letters photos, baseball cards, children's artwork, and household cast off furniture,- allowed one brave bushwhacker to cautiously navigate her way to the washer and dryer in the room behind. This 10 x 15 foot warehouse had been collecting precious paraphernalia for the last 10 years, ever since we moved into the house. Sadly, it reminded me of my childhood bedroom, only with more mountainous piles and no bed. When my 13 year old suggested spending last Thursday night on the "family project" of cleaning out and organizing the junk room - an overwhelming flood of exhaustion descended upon me at the mere thought. "Tonight, Daddy and Elliott are watching MSU basketball finals, and that room needs more than an evening; it needs the WHOLE family giving a concerted effort for a couple of Saturdays," I discouraged. Her face set like flint, Kyria persistently pressed on, "we could at least get started; I'll do it myself." More back and forth bantering filled the kitchen, as I tried to dissuade her from taking on an insurmountable task, which would inevitably drag me into more work. Finally, I gave permission for Kyria to begin, while I proceeded to make dinner. She wasn't amid the mess 10 minutes, when she hollered up, "Dad, quick - there's a funny sound down here." By the time Kevin bushwhacked his way to the closet at the far side of the room, moved boxes and shut off the spraying water supply (this is where the water main enters our house,) a thin flood had filled the closet and was spilling into the room. Towels safely absorbed the mess before the puddle destroyed anything important, and visits to our neighbors' procured pitchers of water needed to finish dinner, while we waited for a Board of Water and Light worker to arrive (thankfully, the spraying pipe flowed from their side of the meter.) While we waited, we marveled that we had been home, not out for the evening, or in even Florida, which would certainly have allowed our entire basement to fill like a giant swimming pool. At the rate of our junk room "shower" pouring into the room, our trash and treasures would have sunk within a half hour, if nobody had caught the leak. It took handy dandy BPW man only 15 minutes to arrive, and another 10 to replace the pipey gadget - a gasket. After all was resolved and while BPW man was leaving, we asked him, "What happened??" "Oh, common problem," he told us nonchalantly, "these things corrode and rust out over the years. This one just gave out and broke." "No way.. you mean, it was just it's "time"... right now, to BUST and spray?" "Yup." Well, it may be a common occurrence for gaskets to corrode and break after x -many years, but what seems uncommonly providential is Kyria's sudden and unquenchable desire to clean the junk room at the exact minute the thing gave out, and began showering our basement. OR - maybe GOD's looking out for us, by prompting us to move in certain directions, or follow certain desires is not as rare as we may think. MAYBE, HE does this kind of thing often, and some times we sense HIS stirrings and sometimes we miss them. Maybe "walking by the SPIRIT," is no more mysterious than talking to GOD often, learning to recognizing the way HE speaks and following HIS gentle whispers - in our day to day lives. Most of the family was pulled into the Thursday night project, as it turned out, and Kyria diligently continued it on Friday. About a dozen bags of garbage were generated and in the end we reclaimed one cleaned out art and crafts room. The more significant gain of the weekend is a lesson in sensitivity to the "nudges" of GOD. In our case, we're very thankful Kyria was "walking by the spirit," instead of "swimming by the spirit."

a bowl full of water...

• In the book of Judges (6:36-40) - in the Bible, you find a story about Gideon, desiring to know GOD's will and sending up a prayer to the LORD. He asks GOD to make a sheep's fleece wet with dew when all the ground around remains dry. Then He asks GOD to make the ground wet with the dampness of the night, while keeping the fleece (left out of doors) dry. Since these requests wouldn't be a natural occurrence, Gideon would know that GOD had intervened in the way he had asked and consequently, be assured of GOD's direction. This kind of confirmational request has been coined "a fleece prayer," by believers down through the ages, after Gideon's experimental interaction. I, myself, can't remember ever really trying it until last week.

Two years ago I pursued a volunteer teen zoo keeper's position at Potter Park Zoo for my son Elliott and was advised to wait until he was older, as he would have a better chance of acceptance into the program. Last year, our plans to be away for much of the summer deterred me from encouraging it. But last Monday, GOD brought the zoo possibility, for this summer, to my mind. After looking up Potter Park's website and reading about the application process, I wondered if this was really the right direction for Elliott. In two years it hadn't come up and easily, he would have forgotten all about it. As the application for 2011 had not yet been posted, I decided not to say anything to anyone (except my husband) and I sent up a "fleece."

"GOD," I prayed, "YOU know I want YOUR direction for Elliott's future. If the Teen-Keeper's program is a door YOU have for him to walk through, let me know by bringing it to Elliott's mind, AND by HIM showing excitement for the opportunity."

For anyone who KNOWS my son, a rather "non-pulsed" young man, who doesn't exactly wear his emotions on his sleeve. you can be sure that this request fell outside the realm of a natural occurrence.

A week passed, as I daily, and secretly, checked the zoo's web-site to see if the application had been posted. Nope, not yet. By the following Monday, I had forgotten about my vigilant checking, until quite out of the blue, at breakfast, my daughter, Kyria, blurts out, "Hayley might work at the zoo this summer, can I work at the zoo?"

At his sister's announcement, Elliott immediately looked up and EXCITEDLY EXCLAIMED "Hey I want to work at the zoo! I was going to do that! Can I do that?!" He said this loudly and with "unnatural-for-Elliot" expression - so much so that I'm left without a shadow of a doubt that GOD, indeed, answered my "fleece."


When asked what made her think of the zoo, Kyria didn't know why, it just came to mind; Hayley had mentioned it the previous Monday night at their girls' Bible study (the same Day, a week earlier, on which I had put out my "fleece.")

Icing on the cake highlighted GOD's timing, as I moved directly to my computer and found that the Zoo, that very morning, had posted the 2011 Teen-Keeper's application. I downloaded it. Elliott diligently filled it out, concentrating carefully on the essay questions, and e-mailed his Algebra/Science tutor, requesting the required letter of recommendation. By Tuesday afternoon we submitted all the paperwork and now Elliott happily and hopefully awaits the outcome of what, to me, seems very clearly GOD's leading.

"Gideon rose early the next day; he squeezed the fleece and wrung out the dew - a bowlful of water." - while all the ground was dry.

Seeing GOD's Face

For many years now, I've carried a growing longing in my heart to SEE GOD, face to face - sit across the table from HIM at a coffee shop and stare into HIS eyes and talk like friends. After all, my hero, Moses, talked to GOD "face to face as a man speaks to his friend." (Exodus 33:11) I suspect this is why Joshua constantly wanted to hang around Moses' tent. That's where I would be.

It was after about a week of really begging GOD for visual interaction, that HE succeeded in curbing my appetite for this specific request. While cooking at the stove and THINKING about GOD hiding Moses in the cleft of a rock, a flash of light unexpectedly struck my eyes, so bright that one eye saw spots for a couple of minutes after, and the other was temporarily blinded almost completely. In my anxiety about my impaired vision, I lost sight of what I'd been praying about and, even a moment before, had been thinking about. I frantically phoned my husband (who didn't know what to say or do) as my children wondered what could have happened to Mom. Kyria, sitting at the computer, only a few feet away, had seen nothing; together, we couldn't figure out the cause of the light.

To my great relief, within a relatively short time, effects of the "flash" faded and, back to my cooking and thinking (the THINKING part and GOD's TIMING is always crucial in understanding "GODspeak",) GOD brought to my mind an old hymn from my childhood. I could only recall a few words, but was able to look up the title in my trusty Methodist hymn book, a garage sale treasure. I read these stanzas (I'll share 1 & 4), with my 20/20 vision:



Immortal, Invisible GOD only wise;

In light inaccessible hid from our eyes.

Most blessed, most glorious, the Ancient of Days,

almighty, victorious, thy great name we praise.



Thou reignest in glory; Thou dwellest in light;

Thine angels adore thee, all veiling their sight;

all laud we would render; O help us to see

'tis only the splendor of light hideth thee.


GOD's message to me seemed clear, for that time: If I valued my physical eyesight, I would have to be satisfied with the veil HE provided. Even more than with HIS reply, I'm satisfied with HIS ANSWERING - HE didn't just leave my request (though plaintive and repetitive,) hanging out in space somewhere between heaven and earth. HE reponded to my "Why?" - and that, without leaving me blind.
"The LORD confides in those who fear HIM;....and I - in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness." (Ps. 17 & 25)

Something Simple Speaks Volumes
I'm finding it very difficult, sometimes, to translate GOD's and my communication into an understandable "story" or explanation. John 4:24 tells us that "GOD is SPIRIT, and those who worship HIM must do so in SPIRIT and truth." GOD communicates with us NOT in the natural ways we are used to hearing people, or seeing their body language, but through feelings, thoughts, impressions and images somewhere deep inside of us - in our SPIRITs, I guess. Also, GOD speaks to us in our individual "SPIRIT" language, by which I mean, HE knows our emotional make-up, our unspoken dreams, hidden wounds, experiences from childhood and how WE interpreted them in our memory... and the zillion other parts of our thinking and being - uncommunicated and not understood completely by even ourselves. Because of our complexity, when HE speaks to an individual, the meaning is - LOADED, and not easily conveyed. I'll give a simple example from years ago.

When a woman I've never seen before shares, after the worship set on Sunday morning, that "GOD is very pleased with me," a bit of a prologue may reveal more depth. On the surface, the woman, probably in her 60's, prefaced the "message" with "I've never shared something like this before, but I believe the LORD wants me to tell you something." She happened to be sitting behind me and her kind words were completely unsolicited; she just kind of whispered to me as the music was dying down.

On a deeper note, experiencing much self-loathing growing up and always desiring my father, (the parent I saw as my greater ally in childhood), to be pleased with me, I had awoken that very Sunday morning singing a mournful song to God. The words and music, I composed, as I sang with tears in my eyes and a longing in my heart. It wasn't unusual for me to sing for quite a while on a Sunday morning, as my husband, a pastor, whose early church departure, left me with plenty of solitude before the service. Like my biblical hero, David, I enjoy singing my prayers, if I'm alone. The words to that morning's song went something like this: "O GOD, to hear you say 'well done,' - this is all I desire; to know YOU're pleased with me would be enough."
So, the woman's simple words to me that morning held more meaning than she could ever know; I told her this and thanked her. To this day, that short interchange holds me fast with the assurance that my heavenly FATHER IS indeed pleased with this undeserving child. Volumes of meaning in five simple words.

Flashback on a Wave of Goodness

LORD GOD, I'll just write this to YOU. You are my BIGGEST follower, even as I follow YOU.

I'm sure YOU remember lounging with me by the poolside in Galveston, Texas while Kevin attended yet one more talk. My desire to be with You on my birthday afternoon brought me and your WORD out in the sun to reflect and meditate. My spirit soared freely, light with thankfulness for the blessed life You have been pleased to lead me into. I reflected on sorrow, tasting the bitterness once again but knowing that this too would pass on and leave me stronger, more resilient. You washed me once again, as You always do, and until I picked up the local paper and read the halting words of that arrogant columnist, I felt peaceful, content - even with my ever present LONGING for MORE - more of GOD, more of the wild ride of walking by YOUR SPIRIT.

The local columnist didn't mean to exclude his reader, I'm sure - for isn't the whole point of writing an article or book, etc.., to SHARE part of oneself, experience or imagination with another?? Never-the-less, EXCLUDED describes just how I felt as I read his article about surfing and gazing, in awestruck wonder, "through the tunnel" - the circular wall of water surrounding the surfer as a giant wave rolls toward the shore, the RIDER WITHIN. His tantalizing description of the sight and feeling, he prefaced with the separating comment "only a surfer will understand or appreciate .." At this disclaimer, my spirit fell - I am NOT, and for many reasons will NEVER be, a surfer. I supposed the columnist's audience consisted of only fellow adventurers of the BOARD, and wondered, pityingly, why I even bothered reading the rest.

To me, the being-left-out feeling not only included this "tunnel" experience, but encompassed much more of LIFE - for which I LONG. I proceeded to have a long talk with GOD about it; I poured out my heart to YOU, O GOD, do you remember? So much of YOU, the human heart, adventure and REVELATION I want to understand - I want to know, but how will I ever get there. I don't possess the giftedness, the time (I'm 40 + already and time is zooming by), the energy - I'll never make it. YOU, oh LORD, listened attentively and I sensed you had something - SOMETHING to say....

Kevin interrupted my thoughts to invite me into the computer room before dinner so I could see all my birthday wishes on facebook. Oh, loving Father GOD, you had the best birthday e-mail waiting for me and your timing speaks volumes of our intimate friendship! After reading a myriad of well wishes, I opened an e-mail from a dear man, father of my best friend, who had randomly sent out some photos he thought interesting - (not for my birthday.) Upon opening his attachment, three beautiful full color shots awaited me: all three views, from a surfer's perspective, gazing through "the tunnel" of magnificent ocean waves. Waves of warmth and love swept over me, as YOU spoke to me. "I have blessed you with an empathy and ability to see and understand the heart vicariously. You don't have to have gone through all experiences to grow through and speak into others joys and pain. MY BODY is a community of children who are meant to carry each others' burdens, share each others' successes, and experience each other's adventures."

God Has A Still Small Voice

"Pretend your bottom is super glued to you chair," I urged the children, hoping to restrain them from wildly chasing bubbles all over the room. I wanted them to just watch the beautiful rainbow spheres float gently for a few moments and then disappear.

Bubbles provided my object lesson for the way GOD speaks sometimes in a quiet whisper, very real and beautiful but brief in their impression upon us - . Sometimes THE GOD of the UNIVERSE speaks just this softly, in our thoughts, giving a momentary picture, phrase or idea, which after it's gone, if not acted upon or shared, can be easily dismissed and evaporate from all memory.

In HIS delight at us learning about following HIS voice, THE LORD demonstrated my point amazingly, in the week previous to my teaching. January 31 - a fifth Sunday - Oh joy, is celebrated at our church by a special worship service appropriately named "Fire by Night," after the way GOD's people were led through the desert in the time of Moses. Several congregations gather together to sing, pray, listen and practice all the gifts of GOD's SPIRIT. It was during a silence, in this service, that my bubble impression came gently to my mind's eye. I pictured a boy (near the back of the room; I didn't know this teen from another church) being struck, with a fist, across the jaw, and falling to the ground. After laying there several moments, he stood, faced his attacker and just looked at him - with eyes of love. I thought, the, "teen wants justice, but the LORD is saying -"mercy."" And I thought of the whole "turn the other cheek/love your enemy theme." But really, all this came to me in a moment - and since it didn't feel an altogether very "positive" word of encouragement, nor a very STRONG impression, I dismissed it.

The night progressed supernaturally, with many people coming forward with messages from GOD and leadings for ministry; prayer, worship and encouragement filled our small sanctuary. at least 45 minutes passed before GOD gave me another chance. This time, even more subtle than the first time, the same picture of the kid getting punched and "mercy" flashed across my brain. But this time, I thankfully remembered the lesson I would be teaching; how could I not act. Walking to the back of the room I contemplated how I might try to deliver this, possible, "message from GOD" in an uplifting way??? As I spoke to the teen, and his father standing beside him, I just laid it out there, what I saw and thought. I concluded with a weak, "Well, I hope this doesn't happen to you."

"Actually," the kid answered, "It already happened to me; It just happened to me." I tried not to look too dumbfounded.

Christopher, (as his name turned out to be) proceeded to tell me how at a baseball thing this kid had become angry with him and punched him hard across the face. Christopher fell to the floor and lay there for a few seconds, to angry to rise. When he did stand up, he just looked at the boy. Chris told me "It took everything in my power NOT to punch him back, but I didn't; I just looked at him till he walked away."

Oh, GOD, you are good. "Now I know why the LORD showed me this picture, Christopher," I told him. "HE wants you to know, and be encouraged, that HE is so very proud of you and pleased with you at the way you handled this situation." "You showed HIS mercy, in not striking back, and GOD is just so pleased."

Christopher and his father thanked me and we all thanked GOD - and I enjoyed sharing a cool example of a "bubble impression" with my Sunday school children. I wonder how many "GOD thoughts" we dismiss throughout the day, thinking they are just random snippets from our imagination. What kind of adventures might we encounter regularly, if we were constantly on the alert and "listening" to the quiet whisper of GOD?

I'm committed to writing as often as I can in this blog, over the next 12 weeks, sharing stories of how I've heard the LORD speak to me, personally in my life. I have a myriad of amazing adventures already to draw from. However, my hope is that I will pick up so many new ones weekly, and even daily, that I shall, if I continued for the rest of my life, never run out.

the productivity parodox

10 years ago GOD called me away; actually, HE'd been calling me for a lot longer than that, but at this time it was HIS loving rebuke which finally compelled me to action. As far back as junior high, my immobilizing "vice," used to combat stress, anger and other undesirable emotions, was sleep. On through college and into adult/family-hood, when life expectations overwhelmed me - I ran for a nap. I was fastidious about the hours of rem I received every night - waking in the morning to look at my clock and quickly calculating the hours. If my rest didn't add up to 8 hours of shut-eye, anger and self pity built, beginning an irritating day, the nagging thought "it wasn't enough" following me around like a drizzely rain cloud.

One morning, upon waking to my normal "inventory taking," out of the blue, God put in my mind a scripture passage which I had not looked at in a long time. Turning to 1 Chronicles 21:1, I read a story about Satan inciting King David to number his armies, which angered the LORD. God sternly spoke to my spirit, informing me that this was exactly what I was doing in my calculating hours of sleep. Ps. 33:16-18 reminds us.....

"No king (or busy homeschooling mom) is saved by the size of his army (or her hours rem);
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is vain hope for deliverance (and adequate sleep won't insure peace and joy)
despite all it's great strength it cannot save
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear HIM, (true rest is from HIM)
On those whose hope is in HIS unfailing love.... "

I responded incrementally but completely, praying often another Ps., 32 -

"Oh LORD, remember David
and all the hardships he endured.
He swore an oath to the LORD
and made a vow to the Mighty One of Jacob;
"I will not enter my house
or go to my bed -
I will allow no sleep to my eyes.
no slumber to my eyelids,
till I find a place for the LORD
a dwelling for the Mighty One of Jacob."

...and asking GOD for a place in my life for HIM. He gave me from 5:00 to 7:00 a.m. for His resting place. For the last 9 years, I've thrived on far less sleep; but life has been much less "survival," than a rich feast of refreshing REST from the LORD. During these hours, I waste time with HIM - soaking in HIS revelation, perspective and peace. The strength and wisdom this time in HIS presence has continually fueled could not be rivaled by a lifetime of 8 hour nights of sound sleep. In times of busyness, stress and sorrow, this appointment with JESUS has been, to my spirit, a well of cool water in the driest of deserts. Some days, when I've gotten to bed late or my bed feels particularly warm and the temptation to go back to sleep pulls hard, I do think of my early hours as an APPOINTMENT with HIM - "What might I miss if I stay in bed?, I force myself to ask. Surely the loss would be mine.

I often go out to a 24 hour coffee shop, just down the street, where over the years, I've become part of the furniture from 5-7 in the morning. Many "regulars;" business men and women, homeless who sleep sitting up at the tables through the cold nights, fellow eccentric early risers like myself and MSU and LCC students who haven't yet made it to bed, have become my friends and warm acquaintances. Every once and a while when I'm planning to speak or teach, I have brought my son's laptop computer, and someone will inevitably comment on how "I'm becoming productive." I've just smiled and joked about their perspective on "productivity," arguing that simply spending time with Jesus, reading HIS word, listening to HIS voice, journaling what HE says, etc... is more productive than they may think. Interesting facial expressions always follow a remark like that, and sometimes rich conversations ensue.

I began reflecting on my 9+ years of wasting mornings with GOD on Monday, as I spent the afternoon with a missionary to Hong Kong, home on furlough. She inspired me immensely as she spoke of how she was spending her few months back in the states; she has a lot of "free time" right now, and has chosen to daily ask GOD how HE wants her to spend it. She prays and fasts and reads HIS word, and worships with guitar and singing - and she "soaks" in HIS presence, and just sits quietly with HIM for hours, listening and simply being. A self proclaimed "doer" by nature, this lovely girl, who exudes peace and contentment, shared with me a profound truth JESUS has revealed to her during this time home. HE assured her that her view of productivity and HIS are quite different. HE promised her that every moment they spend time together, HE IS DOING A WORK in her, whether or not she knows what that is or even feels it happening. When she is resting in HIS presence, THIS IS the most productive time in her walk with JESUS.

Her words resonate with my spirit, because I have felt the reservior of truth and life well up in me and produce streams of living water.

"If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.
Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said,
streams of living water will flow form within him" - JESUS

God is very paradoxical, really. I mean, loving your enemies and loosing you life to gain it and using the weak things of the world to shame the strong are just a few of HIS "backward" ideas. So, it's not so surprising that GOD's idea of "productivity" is most people's idea of in-activity. I'm headed to Florida in couple of weeks and looking forward to some slow down time - in a new way than I have before. For the past couple of days I've had this song running through my head. I only can think of one line, unfortunately - but it's a good one:

"..just sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time...."

Blessings ~

Information OVERFED ? exercise and don't grow fat.

If I could only DO the things I know already - implement the plans GOD has given me, put into consistent practice the Word which has proved to be successful and true - why, I'd be the best Jesus follower I know..maybe even nearing "sinless perfectionism." (kidding) What I don't need is more teaching - but to act on the stuff I've alrealy learned. Well, make that, "the stuff I'm trying to learn," for I never really "get" something until I act on it, put it into practice and make the new exercise a habitual new way of choosing and living - Spiritual body building.

One might read the above, and get the idea that I have no need for "teaching and preaching" ministries or for the reading of more Jesus following kind of books. However, anyone who knows me, is aware of my LOVE for a riviting speaker, an inspiring conference, a page-turner novel or biblical exposition. These information inputs are not merely distractions from my "doing", but rather life giving reminders. Like my kids learning not to interrupt me on the telephone, I need to be told the TRUTH again and again. Recieving fresh inspiration, I will practice what's right for a while, and hopefully get it into my system as a habit; if not, I'll hear or read about it again and that will jar me back to it again.

This week, God's been reminding me to "lay down my heart" (that's the way the Elizabeth F. Lewis, author of our Chinese historical fiction puts it) and without anxiety, but rather - THANKSgiving, present my requests to GOD and receive peace! Worrying about the future and the past runs rampant as my default MO, and I think many other people's as well. Thanks to my husband's inspirational message on Sunday, I'm jarred once again to "Practice the Presence" of GOD and pray without ceasing.

Two books recently engraved into my imagination's library and are becoming part of my muscle memory - (for this is what happens with all we allow to enter our minds, and make the effort to put it into practice) are Present Perfect by Gregory Boyd, and Chasing The Dragon by Jackie Pullinger. The first was inspired by 17th century monks such as Brother Andrew, but written in user-friendly style, as a "how to" on developing the habit of living every moment in the present, WITH JESUS. The latter is an autobiography by a missionary to Hong Kong's evil infested walled city. The author flew in on a one way ticket when she was 20 years old, and now, in her 60s, still ministers to Hong Kong's opium and heroine addicts, drug lords, protitutes, pimps and some of China's hardest criminals. Her book isn't the best written but does clearly reveal her secret weapon in the LORD's artillery - prayer without ceasing. How she accomplishes this "ceasless" prayer in the midst of a life so FULL of busyness as she lives, would capture the attention of any busy housewife and mother like me - or any workaholic of the west, period! She prays in tongues. All throughout her waking hours, except when she is eating or talking to people, she prays in the special language which Paul writes about in 1 Corinthians 14.

All these reminders: praying about everything instead of worrying; living in the moment instead of in the future and the past AND remebering that GOD is here too; and prayer with-out ceasing (even in tongues), swim around in my mind and encourage me eat up the info but turn it into fit, not fat.